all right, so i've had a lot going on lately, and i think it's time i talk about it, get it off my chest (thread)

surgery, grs, doctor, misgendering 

so i went to the doctor last week to talk about my medical transition situation. i tell her, “doc,” i say, “almost a year and a half i’ve been on these hormones, and for what? my testosterone levels are still higher than you’d like to see, i got smaller tits and more body hair than half the guys had in gym class back in the day, and people still call me sir like it’s my middle name.”

“have you thought about genital reassignment surgery?” she asks me.

“yeah, i think about it all the time. i think about buying a boat too but it’s the damnedest thing: my lottery number keeps not coming up.”

“i see” she says and stops to think for a minute.

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transition, doctor, whalewatching 

“you know what you need,” she tells me. “you need to relax. too much stress can interfere with the feminization process. look, take this.”

she hands me a ticket for a whale watching cruise. “my husband and i go every year. it’s this boat called the spirit of san juan, and it’s fantastic. this year we have the kids coming up for the holidays, we don’t have time. take a saturday off work, go whale watching. you deserve a break.”

i say “doc, what does a boat ride have to do with my tits?”

she just looks at me and says “doctor’s orders.”

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whalewatching 

so, okay, i go. and i don’t need to tell you, it’s been bitter cold up here lately. turns out it’s even colder on a boat going fifteen knots with the wind whipping around you. people keep popping inside the cabin to warm up, get a little cup of coffee, look at their phones, read a book, what have you. not me, though. i’m coming all this way, it’s the first day i’ve taken off in i don’t know how long, if there’s whales out here i’m gonna see ‘em come hell or high water.

on this boat there’s the fore and aft decks, with little signs saying one’s the orca deck and the other’s the humpback deck. in the middle there’s the main cabin, with seats for probably twenty or thirty people, and a little galley with coffee and hot chocolate to warm up because buddy it is cold as a witch’s tit out there. i’m hanging out on the orca deck when the boat cuts the engine and the captain’s voice comes over the loudspeaker.

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whalewatching 

“all right folks,” he says, “everyone please be quiet, if you look to the starboard side, about two o’clock, you can see a few orcas coming to say hey.” and i’ll be damned if there weren’t three killer whales, just frolicking in the water, happy as you please. i’ve stopped shivering at this point, my legs are numb. i know i should really go inside but i’m just transfixed, just staring at these gorgeous, majestic creatures, just doing their thing like twenty yards now off the starboard bow. this is definitely closer than we’re really supposed to get but it’s them, they’re coming to us! i want to take pictures but i just can’t stand to take my eyes away from them for a moment.

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injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching 

all of a sudden i feel something ice cold slide down my pant leg and go clank-clank on the deck of the boat. i look down and it’s my own scrotum sitting there at my feet. i stare at it for like a good half a minute, uncomprehending, before the pain in my torso kicks in and i scream for help.

the sailors on the boat, they call the coast guard, who calls a medevac helicopter. they take me to harborview hospital and stitch me up. just in time, too, they said i could have bled out real easy. as it was i spent like three days in the hospital. second day there i get a phone call from my doctor asking how the whale watching trip went.

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injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching 

“i gotta say, that was not the most relaxing thing i’ve ever done, doc. it was so cold, i got hurt, they had to fly me to the hospital.”

“hmm. what part of the boat were you on?”

“doc, what the hell, i’m telling you i froze my actual balls off and you want to know what part of the boat i was on?”

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injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

“aha,” she says. “sounds like the orca deck to me”

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this one might make more sense if you read it out loud

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@triz this is a stretch but i love jokes that you have to reach for

@violet this is why you are still following me after all this time lmao

@triz

going to need an accent for this one. i mean, i didn't understand who Palmer Vreedeez is until i heard it in an American accent.

@triz I’ve been cackling all morning at this thread. Truly A+ work

@triz

This was a long journey to go on, but in the end, well worth the effort. Thank you, Triz. 🙏

@triz i was like 80% certain this was going to turn into a pagliacci situation somehow

@AudreyJune doing an hourlong set of gags only trans people and their close friends can understand. it's a gold mine, i could be a dozenaire!

@triz i mean, i think you could workshop this enough for a generally queer audience and that is an actual thing in this area.

@triz Audrey read it out loud to me while I was still in bed and it was a heck of a way to greet the day!

@triz and there were pauses in between where i was making reaction faces/noises

@triz i am catapulted beyond the material plane by this

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz fucks sake 😂 😂 😂

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz Oh my god, I was eagerly anticipating a pun, and you delivered spectacularly.

*Applauds*

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz jesus triz

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@hope lmao yw :anidab_left:

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz *Rodney Dangerfield voice* I heard of droppin’ anchor but this is ridiculous

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@Pawdraig hey you wanna make an omelet you gotta break a few huevos you know what i'm saying?

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz oh my fucking god triz

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz this was epic

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@dreadpirateyarr haha thanks i am perhaps inordinately proud of it

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz I should not have laughed as hard as I did.

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz good heavens patricia

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@pisscotheque my stars

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz i read it out loud in my best goofy doctor voice, and now it's all "god dammit, Triz"

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@BestGirlGrace that's my name don't wear it out

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz fucking great. fucking amazing 😂🤣😂🤣😂

@triz I knew ahead of time that this would be a joke with an elaborate setup but I was still like "wow this is some excellent scene setting" lol

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz fucking legendary

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz this is the joke equivalent of hendrix setting a guitar on fire tbh, just an absolute masterpiece of a performance

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@alexis god i can just die happy after that review lmao

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz holy shit

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@ItsMorgan lmao

injury, gore, surgery, whalewatching (end) 

@triz this was a good one to wake up to. now i can Thanksgiving, so long as i take a few breaks here and there to laugh my ass off about whale watching.

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