vent about my unemployment. as well as a poll for it at the end
It's that time of day again, where I realise that I've permanently skewed my perception of employment to be horrifically worse than it appears to most people.
Not to mention my legs are weakening every day and I'm busy sitting on a benefit scrambling to find something entry level again so I can pay my taxes again, but because my legs are weakening, I can't go back to most entry level jobs.
I hate being on the benefit. I hate being tied to a diet of mostly rice. But I hate feeling weak even more.
Not to slander anyone on the benefit; that's not my intention at all. My intention is to be someone people can rely on, so they don't have to peer into the chromatic fire that is my emotional state. Being stuck without a job, with one friend in person, with no fork of transport, is NOT reliable.
How much squeeze is worth it, though? Is it worth going back to a grave shift and a broken sleep schedule for minimum wage?
very disappointing and depressing vent.
I've tried for god knows how long trying to help everyone who comes to me and I think I've finally met my breaking point.
I'm becoming more of an alcoholic, stress eating more, and starting to distrust everyone I love, snapping at them and eyeing every word they make.
It doesn't help that one of my partners, the one person I actually could SEE raising a child with, just wants to be friends.
People are people at the end of the day. I don't blame them for leaving me. I don't blame the straw that broke my back being suspicious of someone willing to help them for nothing. I, however, do blame my idiocy and pure masochistic need to be a martyr for anything that fucking breathes.
If I wasn't a bitch, this'd be a farewell note. I'm a jester at the end of the day, and a dead jester makes no laughs.
Keep yourselves happy. I'll probably limp my way to a psych ward or a vacation spot and see how I feel.
CW: Losing those you care about, and being unable to help (just skip this one)
Two people have informed me that I'm not going to see them again, but they'd say goodbye before they go. What a fantastic thing to wake up to.
It makes me think I'm a monster, somehow causing my friends to off themselves, despite me being there for them and trying my best to give them sound advice for life, emotions, cooking, money... Isn't it fantastic?
Don't you just wish you could just fucking wake up and not have a searing hot vat of oil spilt down your nose every time you breathe?
Ugh. Hooray for me polluting the timeline. Keep scrolling.
Songs from trackers (mod, xm files)
Yknow, sometimes I keep forgetting how ingenious some people can be with trackers and making such brilliant masterpieces
FOUNTAIN.MOD, such a wonderful piece of work - the brilliant and soothing woodwind instrument with the acoustic guitar backing it up, before breaking down into a rock-esque chorus
Hell, even simple little ditties like stages.mod, from Need for Madness, are just so fantastic
It makes me seethe that I'm physically unable to create anything decent like this lmao
anyone on here good with matlab/simulink and able to help with this thing?
My dreams being really wholesome for once
I had such a fantastic dream, where my trans dude friend was post-top surgery, growing hair on their chest, and me and them were snuggling and I was vibing, laying on their chest and texting my partner
My ex (who is still super awesome) says that I'm getting married, and me and my partner were super confused and surprised, but then my ex says "i've been evaluating your relationship and you two seriously are gonna hitch it off wonderfully, the years have been good for you two"
Then I started idly singing some old Jack Johnson songs and then mentioned JJBA stands and my friend looked at me in the eyes and said "are you really mentioning stands again" and we both laughed at it, before i ended up saying "I'm gonna be real, your snakebites are super good, your face really suits them after all these years"
Sometimes, I feel like the future isn't gonna crush me. Today feels good 💕
Help with rent, food, and other things
I don't know why but so far I haven't received any stimulus payment. Money is running out and I have rent to pay ($540), food to buy ($75), storage to pay off ($180), and taxes to do ($65). My next check from work won't come until after all these are due. Can you help an enby out? (Boosts appreciated.)
I came across an article on why "how are you" is a terrible greeting these days and I've never considered it a good greeting
like if you do this I don't blame you, bc it's baked into western culture
but even in the Before Times I was never fine and the scripted question sent me reeling. now nobody's fine and we're faced with realizing that asking someone to assess and summarize their whole situation into "I'm fine" is a terrible idea
Venting about Employmbt
As much as I love the fact that I finally got work, working nightshift and being disconnected time-wise from those you love (as well as having blisters on your feet and your arms + back being shattered from lifting 15kg per box) is seriously fucking me up - as well as having to bike there and back every day through a sketchy neighbourhood and having your PTSD fuckin trigger every thirty minutes from someone slamming shit next to you
Anyway y'all are precious never forget
self hatred - hunger
does anyone know how to stop being hungry and not wasting money because in a few fucking seconds i'm going to perform open stomach surgery and rip this useless piece of shit out, all i've done is eat and i can't find a job and it's driving me up the fucking wall
you're all valid by the way, just needing to vent into the void a bit
@nocebo can i give the catgirl ai a pat?
Trans girl from New Zealand | All media marked as sensitive
A cool and chill place for cool and chill people.