INTERLOPERS GO AWAY I NEED THIS
so yesterday i tried to print this horse on the top corner of his camel print-out
i snuck over to his stash, carefully extracted the TAINTED ARTIFACT, and loaded it into the printer to be printed upon
.... unfortunately it's a weird shape cuz he cut out his horrible print job to make it look less like shit so all i accomplished was jamming the printer
after which i had to open up the whole damned printer (which is larger than my entire body) to rescue the TAINTED ARTIFACT from it's clutches, and return it to its nest.
there is a vaguely horse-shaped smudge on it, now, but overall the operation was a failure
LEAVE YOUR DESK YOU SHITTER
STOP SKIPPING MEETINGS
🚨 THE TARGET IS DISCUSSING LUNCH PLANS 🚨
HE IS STRONGLY CONSIDERING JIMMY JOHNS
MY DISGUST, AND CONTEMPT, SURGE EVER HIGHER
🚨 OPERATIONAL SUCCESS 🚨
🚨 I REPEAT, ALL UNITS REPORTING OPERATIONAL SUCCESS 🚨
WE NOW AWAIT THE TARGET'S RETURN
OVER AND OUT, HOO RAH
ONE OF THE TARGET'S MAIN SUSPECTS, WHO NORMALLY WORKS FROM A DIFFERENT OFFICE, STOPPED BY FOR A VISIT
I COULDN'T HAVE PLANNED THIS BETTER
he's gonna be absolutely convinced this guy is responsible when he hears he was here from his cube neighbor
THE TARGET HAS RETURNED
I REPEAT, THE TARGET HAS RETURNED
as if to prove the message on the payload as correct as possible, he hasn't fucking noticed it
I WILL NOT ABANDON MY POST UNTIL I WITNESS HIS REACTION TO TODAY'S OPERATION
I WILL STARVE IN THIS CHAIR BEFORE I MISS THIS MOMENT, THIS IS MY SOLEMN VOW TO YOU ALL,
i casually let him know he's "been horsed again".
"i got horsed??! damn! how long's that been there!"
he hasn't gotten up to look at it yet, perhaps awaiting his cube neighbor's return
"HEY TOM. I GOT HORSED AGAIN."
"you got horsed??"
"it HAD to be"
"i think it's ZOEY. only common denominator."
HE HAS PICKED UP THE SHEET
HE IS STUDYING IT
HE IS WRITING ON THE SHEET WITH A LARGE RED MARKER?????? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN
IS HE DOING ALGEBRA TO PROVE MY GUILT????
HE HAS PUT ASIDE ALL WORK TO PONDER THE PAGE
HE IS ROTATING BACK AND FORTH IN HIS CHAIR, SHEET IN ONE HAND, MARKER IN THE OTHER, DEEP IN CONTEMPLATION
"i didn't even notice it...."
"look at this! 7/9? 10/22? they put the saddle, and then the guy... I didn't even notice it! did you?"
"i didn't notice all that, no!"
"i know it's not you, now. huh. goddamn."
i can barely make out their words.. something about the camels, and retirement, and pension
"all I know is that horse is mine! taking it with me!"
"taking it with me!"
"that's a good retirement gift right there, it is"
"not giving them the chance! not-"
"--make the announcement, then maybe--"
"All I know is that'll maybe force the situation, working from home all the time"
"somebody knows! somebody knows!!"
i know he's planning to go on vacation for the next two weeks, but maybe he plans to work from home full-time next year until retirement ... and he thinks somebody is gonna take the horse back while he's on vacation
LITTLE DOES HE KNOW
THERE'S TWO MORE HORSES
"who was standing by my cube today?"
me: "carlos came by"
"CARLOS CAME BY???"
"Carlos came by! He was here!"
"IT'S CARLOS. ITS GOTTA BE."
"WE GOT THE SUSPECT"
"so look, here's today's horse. so the thing is, i got the plain horse in july.... but then..."
"HE'S BEEN DOING THIS THE WHOLE TIME!??"
"you know, i THOUGHT that looked different... i didn't remember the little guy on there..."
"i THOUGHT it was Tom, but he was at lunch WITH me today, and i got horsed!"
"it's CARLOS. he's always in town on wednesdays for that meeting..."
"this is every TUESDAY though"
"is it? i thought it was wednesday"
"nope! nope! every tuesday. it's like a... pre-humpday."
"maybe he's in early for that meeting?"
"I dunno, I dunno. Now we gotta go back and check if Carlos was in town on these months..."
"i'm telling you, we got him. we got him. the suspect has been caught."
it is all i can do to face away from them and hide my laughter right now oh my god
focusing on transcribing their S-tier detective work is the only thing keeping me from cackling like an insane banshee
i'm so hungry
i think he only accused me earlier to see if I'd crack and give away the game
BUT MY PROFESSIONALISM IS BEYOND REPROACH, GOOD SIR
I TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN THIS, THE ONLY WORK I PUT ANY EFFORT INTO,
"CARLOS. ____. he was here last tuesday, he was here today. Horse."
"did you notice the horse changes???"
"oh my god"
"no saddle. not even the saddle!"
"this note shows up."
"have you perchance checked the date recently! i'm not following"
"guess what DAY it is"
"and then HE shows up (rider?)"
"7/19 the horse, 10/22.... So the person who was doing this took the time to take pictures historically...
"that horse is mine! it's coming down to my house after i retire"
"i SWORE it was Troy, lying to me, but NAH, it's CARLOS."
"now CARLOS is saying it's YOU."
"he's lying. he's lying. where would i get a horse from??"
"hell yeah he's lying. it's fuckin him -laughing-"
"Carlos is going to the iron throne!!! (???)"
"he's so full of shit. we got him. we got him."
THE TRIBUNAL IS IN FULL SWING
"well Carlos says it ain't him. so SOMEbody's LYIN."
"he was here last tuesday, he was here today! Tom was at lunch with you... it sure as hell ain't me. it's carlos!"
"he's mad about getting pranked all the time and this is his attempt at retribution"
"i still can't believe the saddle wasn't there...."
🚨 THE TRIBUNAL HAS DISCOVERED THE EXISTENCE OF SANDWICHES IN THE BREAK ROOM 🚨
THEY ARE SOON TO DEPART, ON A MISSION TO, "CHECK OUT THE GOODS"
NOW IS MY CHANCE TO FIND WHAT HE WAS WRITING WITH THAT MARKER
they haven't left yet
"...yeah, see, this one came with a message that 'i ain't all that observant', pictures of all the horsings"
"the whole damned time. the whole damned time."
"i can't believe he's pulled this off so far"
"WE GOT HIM NOW, WE GOT HIM NOW"
"of course it was Carlos the whole time, of course it was"
THE FIRST ONE HAS PEELED AWAY TOWARDS THE SANDWICHES
IS IT TIME???
LOCKED AND LOADED FOR WHEN HE RETURNS IN JANUARY
our team's holiday lunch is tomorrow
Carlos previously declined the meeting
BUT, I JUST CHECKED, AND HE'S SINCE REVERSED AND ACCEPTED IT
WE'RE IN FOR A BUMPY ROAD TOMORROW FOLKS
I MIGHT GET RUMBLED
"okay so back in July, this horse is sitting here. Without the girl or the saddle. No explanation."
"and then on Wednesdays, I put up these signs... Humpday."
"and then THESE started showing up. have you perchance checked the DATE. guess what day it is. perhaps you missed it. and then THIS ONE shows up."
"yeehaw partner, guess ya ain't all that observant. they took the TIME to take pictures every time..."
"oh my god"
"i REALLY thought it was Tom. But it ain't."
"Yeah that smells like Tom"
"he was at lunch with me!"
"he's got an accomplice. hey Tom, you got an accomplice?"
"they talking shit about you back here Tom!"
"Carlos is still denying it??"
"yeah he's blaming it on ME."
"he's blaming it on Steve"
"still denying it. Just remember y'all, one day you're gonna get CAUGHT."
"well i ain't have to worry about that"
"what's gonna happen when you go on vacation? they gotta do something big"
"Tom's gonna send a real horse to your fuckin house"
"you needa set up a camera to record them"
"I did!! I did!! I've got my tablet set up with a timelapse to watch! but i didn't put it up today! i didn't put it up today and i got HORSED."
"doesn't matter. we know it's carlos. just a matter of time now."
"i'm TAKING this horse home with me. he ain't gettin this thing back. nuh uh. no way. it's MINE now."
"it's a pretty nice horse actually yeah"
"wait, is the rider a girl?"
"oh damn i never even noticed that..."
"Yep! Says it's Steve."
"he's in town all week, huh, cause he's going to lunch with us!"
"we'll break him down tomorrow. we'll get it out of him"
"tell him we dusted the hoofprints. tell him he left the EVIDENCE behind. he'll fall for it."
AAAAAAAAAAAA TOMORROW IS GONNA BE ROUGH I KNEW IT
the fact that they've been discussing this nonstop for the last 2 hours with anyone who happens to wander past tells you exactly how much work gets done in this place
i think next time i'll have to stay late on a monday, and leave the payload there after everyone else goes home -- he's never here on mondays, only one of them is
i'll miss the initial reaction but i'll get him discussing it with the others all day once i'm here
plenty of time to plan it out, at any rate
THE NEXT HORSEDAY OPERATION WON'T BE TIL JANUARY 7TH, DUE TO HOLIDAY INTERFERENCE
MARK YOUR CALENDARS, FOLKS
HAPPY FUCKIN HORSEDAY Y'ALL
OVER AND OUT, HOOOOOO RAH
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